Please, God, let the apathy disappear.

I’m going to act conceited and selfish once more, but kindly allow me to rant (once more) because my schooldays have gone increasingly vapid, and in a sense have become worthless to me. I know and recognize that I am in utmost danger from succumbing to the call of becoming a freeter, but circumstances in my family won’t allow that; to be more exact, however, I won’t allow that. Despite having become increasingly disillusioned with myself I would not want to sink in a quagmire of intense guilt will I not continue with my studies, for the burden of me studying in a place far from home (despite having free tuition in a prestigious school [supposedly]) is heavy enough for them. I cannot bear seeing them still working in their old age despite having passed the age for retirement, and I will never forgive myself if I cannot return the nurturing that they gave me while I was growing up. (Such is really the problem of marrying late.) I even wrote a haiku. 

Fireflies dance and waltz
Under the moonless black night
As it dims away

This week marks our finals week, and I haven’t even opened a single page of my Theology textbook. Perhaps I detest studying because my passion towards my course and its subjects has waned through time; perhaps because it wasn’t there in the first place; but really, I simply think that it’s absurd to read a 300-page book and get its gist without having forgotten significant information along the way. I could not memorize such a book in three days, and I will not attempt to. If that isn’t borderline stupidity, I don’t know what is.

That’s it for the introduction.

* * *

What I really want to write about was how realistic NHK ni Youkoso! was especially when you’ve finally fit yourself into the shoes of its characters. Hope and optimism is what keeps most people from the edge, but if everything just stacks up against one it’s quite difficult avoiding a breakdown, as what happened to Satou. In such desperate and sordid circumstances, with a lack of confidence in both oneself and society, one can’t blame him for his fall. Although I once thought that four years is an extremely protracted time for simply sticking to being a NEET, I realized that one when cannot see a glimpse of hope in his life it’s very hard to take a step forward; the castigating society with its leering eyes certainly don’t help. I rescind my statements about NHK being unrealistic, then. It’s among the best anime and yet among the most painful ones to watch because the characters sink deeper and deeper into the maw of hopelessness, and are having a harder and harder time escaping it.

I realized it when I myself became stuck with anime, PC gaming, but not with school. I’m forgetting all about it, and all I could hope for is not to fail. For the following exams, however, I will study. (I hope.)

9 Responses to “Please, God, let the apathy disappear.”

  1. meganeshounen Says:

    Again, forgive me for skipping the anime-related part and just reading the rant post. 😛

    That’s right. Parents aren’t workhorses. Doing good in at least studying would be a nice gift. And about that “losing drive” thing. Perhaps watching too much anime has done this to me but I’ll just say it anyway… since you’re already on “the path you’ve chosen”, it doesn’t matter if you were the one who chose it in the first place or not… it would be a gigantic waste not to finish it. If you’re not gonna finish it for your sake, at least finish it for the sake of others. Hey, you might find something new in the end…

    And just to make this post related to anime… I

  2. meganeshounen Says:

    (Whoops, last post got shafted.)

    Fine, Seig Feena. 😛

    /me turns on Melancholy mode: Lvl 1

  3. Naddie Says:

    I understand what you’re going through right now. I still haven’t opened any of my books and finals is in, what, 3-4 weeks? Yeah, lots more time than you’d have, but I still have exams next week, and college activities to take care of…

    I’d feel shitty if I don’t get a good results though, because I know I can do it. It’s just that I’m TOO. LAZY.

    We should start a support group for laziness/procrastinators/whatever it is that you want to call this thing.

  4. DrmChsr0 Says:

    Good Mike, you look kinda emo. Cheer up, emoMike.

    Desu.

  5. Naga Says:

    Oh wow, I thought I was the only one going through this shit. Hmm, I’m somehow similar, yet not really. But anyway, my friend and I talked on the phone last night. She was complaining about how badly she did when she actually scored muchmuch higher than I did. She made me realised how pathetic I am; I only aimed to pass my exams, while she aimed to be the top of the class (and yknow actually she’s the worst class, and I’m sort of one of the best. [Well actually I think my class’s ranking is thanks to my other smartass classmates.] And my results used to be better than hers.) And it really hit on me very badly. But I know I still have time to make up to everything I have lost; if I don’t make up to it now, I will be the one to suffer in the end. Thus, urm I would like to encourage you to stay optimistic and hopeful (omg, how random and pointless can I get?) no matter what. Because once you give up, you lose? (Hahah, ohwell forgive my stupidity. Anyhow just cheer up okay? 🙂

  6. cebukitty Says:

    i think i’m the oldest in this uhm blogforum as i actually ploughed through 2 degrees and now officially working. but i’m all for setting up a freeter support group. just please squeeze me in as an honorary member 😀

    newayz michael, just hang on. fresh out of highschool (a long, long time ago), i just wanted to be a writer, but the parents would hear none of it. they wanted to live their dream of becoming a doctor vicariously through me. (sound familiar?) so i gritted my teeth and survived 4 years of med tech. took the board exam, passed. took 1 year of medicine, promptly quit, then shifted to law. by the grace of God, I passed the bar.

    so what’s my point? you have to finish a 4 year college course and get a diploma to get your parents off your back. moreover, you need a college degree to work anywhere these days. and if you want to start a business, having a college degree, even if its not related to your biz will still command you the respect of your peers.

    so stay the course, grit your teeth and finish that degree. and if you finally decide on the profession you can live with for the rest of your life, you can at least set off some of the subjects you took in college.

  7. Ryan A Says:

    blogforum hehe. My trick is to simply believe that I want to engrain myself in anything I start and kick ass until I’m through. With that in mind, it is really diffcult trying to get studying, but when I do I go at it with vigor. Just believe that what you study is in that mind at sometime and it will come out when needed; also repeating things about 75 times helps.
    I wish you good fortune when the exams come.

  8. Mr. Pants Says:

    Hey kid…. humility is the most perverse, maligned form of arrogance presented by the human species. Maybe you got the high end of the distribution when it came to intelligence, maybe you didn’t. In the grand scheme of things the difference is minimal.

    My guess is you’re not assertive enough. It’s ok to think about yourself sometimes. Suck it up. Kick their ass. Tell the truth. If you’re good at something, don’t be afraid to say so. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of what you can do or doing what you want. Puff yourself up too much and you’ll pop; lay there deflated and no one will ever care to begin with.

    >> A word of advice… It’s hard realizing your parents don’t have all the answers; harder still is learning when to ignore their advice. Do what makes YOU happy and what YOU know is best. If you’re unhappy, sticking it out is never going to make things better. Real decisions are difficult but you have to realize they are you’re decisions. You’re young. Find what makes you happy before you get too old to search. That’s all your parents really care about.

    – Best of luck, and remember… just because you can or could do something… never ever means that you should.

  9. swissreplica9 Says:

    hello, it’s good idea…

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