On love and pain [Kimikiss 18]
I have iterated, time and time again, that I have been excelling in my studies once again. This is partly attributable to the absence of playing DotA, to better teachers compared to the terrorists of last semester, to the lack of anime I am currently following, and finally, to studying decently (as compared to the total lack of it in semesters past). Before last Thursday, I averaged A’s with my subjects this semester; in fact, I am even aiming for exemption with half of my subjects. Last Thursday, however, I received my first exam in Philosophy, and it was a resounding D. It was not a failure, but with the level of excellence I have tried to maintain it was an indelible stain. I am not among those people who dwell on their nadirs; nevertheless, it still affected me. Failure has never been, for all people, easy to swallow. It is more especially difficult whenever one fails on the fields one was supposed to be excellent at: I guess that was what I felt immediately after receiving my test result: one of the few things I can say I have relatively excelled at is academics. In short (and pardon the expletive), I just felt like total shit.
This fiasco of mine occurred during Valentine’s Day (if ‘last Thursday’ did not give it away). I did not even mind whatever love or sweetness that went around: I am not appreciative of this date because I believe that it was created merely to appeal to the consumeristic nature of man. But I digress. Anyway, it was only a day later that I realized I was both lucky and unlucky at that day: I was unlucky, because I met with failure in such a day of love and happiness; however, I was lucky in that I only had to worry about an academic quasi-failure. I have had friends bawl and destroy themselves over loves: I am glad I do not have to face these problems right now. One realizes, from both real-life experience and from the recent episode of Kimikiss that a contretemps in love is much more devastating than an academic mishap. From personal experience, even the most ultimate failure in academics (having to retake a course, or to transfer schools) is only evanescent as compared to mistakes in love. There is something in love that scars so deeply, that alters both men and women so totally. I have never heard or read of people kill themselves because of grades; however, I have heard, read, and watched people, in different media, kill themselves because of their own pitfalls when it came to their love lives.
Since I’m not very much a fan of Valentine’s, here’s Epic Fail Girl?
Even in Kimikiss, Mao has been checkmated by her own heart. She has become a nervous wreck, prone to paroxysms of tears and sadness, and this is all because of a contretemps. I use this word not to perplex, but it can be noticed that the word is a compound one in French. It is made up of the words contre, meaning in opposition to, or against, and of temps, which means time. It is a situation where one is ‘against time.’ If Mao acted earlier, it can be argued, she would not have had been in the position she is in currently. However, it can also be argued: what if the epiphany of her heart has not yet revealed itself? It is a tension that is exquisite and also harrowing for those who are currently experiencing it. Beyond this, however, is it not revealed to us that there is a fine line between love and pain?
Love is developed because of pain; pain becomes present because of love. Both are dynamized by each other’s presence. Do I have the answer as to why people act as irrationally as Mao (at least, that is what a lot of people have said: Mao has become annoying and irrational)? No. But are her actions lucid? I would say so. I believe there is truth in the adage ‘the truth shall set you free.’ I guess this is what Mao desperately tries to grasp: by her honesty, perhaps a path will open itself to her.