Living your nocturnal nightmares

I haven’t watched much anime over the month, other than re-watching a couple of Honey and Clover episodes. I was utterly in love with the series even before I opened my heart to being hurt, because the characters seemed so real to me, and they still do. In fact, I think I have a heightened appreciation for the series now that I’ve started to actively try and pursue a girl that I like despite how much pain or hurt it may cause me. To some extent, I think I remind myself of Takemoto, who, despite his failure nevertheless faced his feelings after some soul-searching and finally confessed these even after knowing that Hagu was in love with another person. It doesn’t help that Takemoto’s kindness and altruism reminds me of myself, because I’ve been trying to actively change my cynical nature into something more caring and accepting, and I think I have done that to a respectable degree. Hagu also reminds me of the girl that I like, because she’s a bit of a social recluse as well, but a patently kind person.

Of course, their relationship is among the least colorful in the series. Despite his status as protagonist, most people looked toward the triangle among Rika, Mayama, and Yamada, not merely because it was more heart-wrenching, but also because it was more tragic, especially from the eyes of Yamada. Back then she was one of the characters I couldn’t help but sincerely cry for. It remains that even in all of my years of anime-watching that episode six’s final scene remains to be one of the most empathic and emotional scenes that I have ever seen: I will help you, and I will try my best to take care of you, but I do not love you, and I can only be your friend. And I can’t change, and you have to understand this, that it tears me apart because I see myself in you as I pine for something that I can barely even grasp. Mayama wasn’t the most scrupulous among the friends, but he cared for Yamada and didn’t see her as a rebound. He wanted her to genuinely be happy without him, because he truly cared for her as well.

It felt real to me. And it feels all the more real, now that I’m in the situation myself. I’ll never know how she’d feel until I tell her myself, but even then I’ll try to do whatever I can to help her and to make her feel that I care for her in all sincerity. Because that is all that I can do, really. I’m suffering from anxiety and nausea a lot because I have little confidence outside my scientific ability and decent writing skills, but like Mayama and Takemoto I’d simply do whatever I can to show that I like her for what she is, even if it ends up in heartache for me.

Am I in love? I do not know. I do not know of love as a romantic entity. But I’m sincere with my feelings, and understand that I like for what she is, and I like her a lot. If that constitutes love, then perhaps I am – and I’m glad for Honey and Clover to teach me some hints along the way.

4 Responses to “Living your nocturnal nightmares”

  1. disappointed reader Says:

    fuck, you sound like a beta male now with a case of oneitis for a girl you’re not even dating 🙁

  2. just another reader Says:

    Get out of tunnel vision mode right now before you send yourself into a spiral of despair.
    I’m not saying you can’t be cool with her, but don’t put her on the pedestal as “the one”, especially if that’s not how she sees you.

    Cynics are disappointed altruists.

  3. Ryan A Says:

    I feel this is mostly about learning, not knowledge-based but emotion-based learning experiences. Fiction or indirect experiences may shine a light, but I believe there is still a large gap when you’re in those shoes. But maybe first-hand identification makes the media more meaningful as well. In any case, assess and take the risk, that’s how we gain experience.

  4. Conor Says:

    Hmm, have to say I agree with much of the above (except ‘dissapointed reader’ of course, what the hell is a Beta? I really hope no-one above the age of 12 thinks in such pathetic terms) but you do seem to be putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself, I’m sure this girl’s great, but the more you think like this this more social anxiety it’s going to bring about. In short, try and loosen up a little. The problem with trying to learn from dramatic series/literature is it’s a romanticised version of reality, and has very little bearing in real life situations. Hang in there bud, the more you try it the easier it gets!

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