The Dead Poets Society redux

I know I shouldn’t be feeling so down. For better or for worse, I am graduating tomorrow from Medicine. Three years of challenging study, a year of hell, and I am at the precipice of graduation. All I am feeling, however, is relief. It’s not really even happiness: I’ve never had something akin to love for Medicine, or even passion, and yet I’m literally only a day away from being officially a doctor of it.

I guess I’ve never expected to be awarded anything. Obviously, I know that I haven’t been the best clinical clerk in any department. Two weeks ago, however, I was told by the intern-in-charge for Internal Medicine that I belonged to the top ten after she tallied our cumulative scores. I mean, she wouldn’t have called to congratulate me or enumerate the names of those that belonged. Since we went through a lot together, I trusted her congratulations and expected to be recognized during the Graduation Ball.

It all fell apart yesterday, however. I think nothing was going to come out of it when the sixth-best intern was called and I still wasn’t called up. That’s what I hate, you know – false confidence. I mean, when you say something wrong, I think you should own up unless it’s understandable that doing so would destroy one’s life. I’ve always tried to say sorry when I recognize that I’m in the wrong, but always kept silent whenever I know I’m right, or actually stuck to my guns. I guess it was bad for me to be confident on something still in the future, but I thought the egg was as good as hatched.

I guess I just wished to be told beforehand that I wouldn’t probably receive any award and that she had made a mistake because I made my parents and relatives rely on me. I know it’s a small, insignificant token but at least I wanted to show something for all their support. I most definitely know that I did what I could to survive internship even though I don’t even have any love for medicine. I’ve had to eat my words, and I probably will do so again and again, and it irritates me.

Should I not have trusted, then?

She was our intern-in-charge. She wouldn’t have twirled me around her finger given the hell that we overcame together. I guess there are just some things I would never know about. I’m still going to graduate tomorrow, anyway. I just hope I won’t disappoint my aunt who came simply because I was going to graduate.

I wish we were rich, because I want to be a writer. I want to study more about the people I admire in literature, and create that one novel that would solidify my reputation for the rest of my life. But since we’re poor and I try to be a proper child to my parents, I guess being sidetracked by medicine would be all right. I’ve studied for four years to be knowledgeable enough – I don’t think I should stop now. I want to be a decent doctor that I could help my family, but this will never be my passion.

I just want to write. As long as I don’t live like a beggar, I think I can manage. It would be a good thing if I could find a beautiful lady with feline eyes and a sharp mind to love me, but if that’s not feasible I think I would be all right anyway.

3 Responses to “The Dead Poets Society redux”

  1. Paula Says:

    Hello, Michael! I’ve been a follower of your blog for a long time already. I just wanna say that I really respect you for choosing that path. You’re showing unbelievable courage by pursuing something you don’t like for the sake of the people you love. Good luck with everything, Michael. :]

  2. cassandra Says:

    I believe you will find your answer along your way through life, but, right now, I find your clarity and your decision both melancholic and adorable.
    I’ve been an anime watcher since childhood but only hardcore otaku since 2004 – and then you started this blog… Well, I just want to say that I really enjoy reading you, your anime analysis as well as your personal chronicles where you shine so much.
    You’ve been my guide through the anime world, whenever I had a doubt you would write about it after the episode troubling me and there it was: sometimes, I got it right, other times I was pissed for missing something, but it is impossible to read what you write, no matter what, and not recognize your talent with words and logic.
    I wish all the best for you and your family!

  3. onceAclassicReader Says:

    Its really hard having this passion – living, brain – heart, practicality – fulfillment endeavors. Merging both fields, who knows, someday you will be ranked top in medical literatures. Use your passion in your career. You are a prolific writer, no question, and a doctor! Can you just imagine so many people out there wanted to be on your place? and if finding feline eyes and sharp mind is your concern, well then it shouldnt be. It’s totally pointless worrying over that. Haha

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